Cook the pasta per the instructions on the box.
Hard boil 4 eggs, cool, peel, and chop. Set aside.
Craft a rudimentary Bearnaise sauce by slowly heating 2 eggs with 2 table spoons of vinegar
Slowly heat the egg while stirring frequently. Don't "cook" the egg, but raise the temperature to a food safe level.
Remove from the heat and stir in the condensed milk, Miracle Whip, Celery Seed, and Paprika.
Dice 1 cup of Carrots and 1 cup of Celery.
Marvel at your knife skills and take a sip of wine.
Mix the diced vegetables into the dressing.
Thoroughly mix the dressing and egg into the cooked pasta.
Garnish with a tsp of parsley and pinch of paprika.
Cool in the fridge for a few hours up to overnight before serving.